Restricted Again...Yeahhhhh... I Think !!!!!

Dr Fill put 0.2 mls back into my band, which means I have no idea how much is in there at the moment, not since I started playing yoyo with the fills.

I had a good day the day I had the fill, I actually didn't feel any difference (which isn't unusual for me, some times it has taken 2 weeks to make any difference) but I woke up the next day and felt it straight away. I have been having a small bowl of cereal each morning and some mornings could have definitely had more but didn't. But 2 mouthfuls into it and I knew if I had anymore I would vomit.

I can still tolerate crackers, cruskits and really chewed up ham and chicken, but only a mouthful or 2. Tonight we went with friends for Chinese and I had a large bowl of chicken and sweet corn soup and one mouthful of satay chicken and I had eaten too much... I really enjoyed it, but boy I was uncomfortable.

The other huge difference it has made is my drinking of fluids, where I could drink about 10 min after a meal I am now back to 30-45 min after or It all comes back up. I am working hard on being good so I don't vomit and cause swelling again... trying to do the relearning again.

I am frustrated because the damn useless Aldi scales' batteries are flat again so I haven't been able to weight myself. Not that that is a bad thing..... I think I will wait till after Xmas and get batteries when I go back to work. Hopefully by then the scales will have started to move again.

Merry Xmas Possums....

Luv Tarn xxx

Merry Xmas Everybody

It's the silly season again , where we spend too much, eat too much and drink too much. I have definitely done all three. My weight is pissing me off. My restriction still isn't right, I can and do eat almost anything. I have another appointment tomorrow with Dr Fill, but part of me doesn't want to be too restricted over xmas. The other half doesn't dare want to not be restricted over xmas.... so what do you do?

I have gained a kilo in a month, and in the last 2 weeks have been from party to BBQ constantly, and although I haven't been too stupid, it all adds up. Especially when you haven't been having party food and alcohol very often for the last 7 months.

Above is a photo of me taken last weekend at my work xmas do. As usual I was being a clown but having a great time. I feel great and am getting lots of comments, but gee as usual we are the hardest to please I suppose. I just want to be thinner.....

I also want to be committed to a food regime and a exercise plan. I have not exercised in ages, I know that that is what is hindering my progress but I can't seem to find the motivation. Even the promise of looking better in swimmers hasn't done it for me.

Ok I am not about to use the New Years Resolution bullshit thing... I am staying away from false promises this year. I am grateful to be lighter than last New Years and aim to be lighter still by next. I have set myself a goal of another 15 kg by my birthday in April this will make me 85kg and I will reassess again then.....

Merry Christmas Everybody

Enjoy !!!!!

Love Tarn xxxx

I Love Dr Fill

As I have mentioned before my surgeon is only the surgeon, the fellow who manages my fills is a Doctor called Tony, and he is wonderful. I have named him Dr Fill for purposes unknown to me.... it just sounds funny.


I made the appointment to see Dr Fill yesterday for 2.30pm today as I work till 1 and the surgery is about 30minutes away. I left work at 20 minutes past one and headed over worried about the traffic and because it is so damn hot thought I would just sit in the air-con waiting room and read.


I got to the surgery at 1.50pm and sat ready to wait for an hour. Tony (aka Dr Fill) comes back in from lunch and spies me sitting there talks to the receptionist and asks me to come on in, as there was no use waiting when he was free...... What a sweety !!!!.(how many people can say you got into a Dr's 1 hr early and not 1 hr late)


I explained to Tony that I was no longer restricted enough and told him how frustrated I am at the not restricted vs too restricted saga all with in a 0.5ml range. He said that some people are lucky enough to hit a sweet spot after a certain amount of fills and manage to maintain it and no drama (obviously this is the same people that weight just falls off - I hate them) but he said for the most part people have to do a few adjustments to get the right result and that the important thing is not to irritate the area with vomiting or BPing as this changes the restriction and causes the vicious cycle.


I know that I know all this already, but it is so nice to have a Dr that is willing to go over and over it and treat you with kindness and understanding, rather than being irritated and short because you don't get it. I say this because a friend of mine goes to another surgeon and has recently had problems with reflux and pain due to overfill and swelling, and when she finally went to her Dr he abused the hell out of her and took all the fill out and told her he was going to only put 1ml back in each 4 weeks. She had lost 18kg on Optifast pre-surgery and 20kg post-surgery in 7 months and he told he off for loosing too much, and that he expected her to loose that much over a 12 month period and not 6 months. She is devastated, she has put 7kg back on and when she saw him the other day he more or less said too bad, and that he was glad.


I am just so happy that Tony is approachable and reasonable. We decided to only put 0.25mls in and leave it for 2 weeks and decide then if I need another, he thought that since 0.5 each way was too dramatic for me in the results, we would take it slowly slowly....



Therefore I love my Dr Fill !!!!!!!



Cheers Tarn xxx

P.s I was down 4kg since 15th October on his scales so 1 kg a week works out to be perfect. Even though it has been way up and way down in that time... (happy days!!!!)

Is It Just Me...... Or Is This Hard ???

I mean it ..... Am I the only one that finds this dificult? I have spoken to lots of bandsters by email, yahoo message boards and my support group and all I am hearing is massive weight loss....sweet spots (whatever the fuck that is...no sweetness here) no hunger and a new appreciation for food.....

I am hungry and can eat stuff , I have gained weight recently, I am either too restricted or not enough, and I am as frustrated with fucking food now as when I was before.... Give me strength.

I am serious, as greatful as I am for the 15kg that I have lost, I am so very disapointed that in six months that is all I have lost... I mean come on... That is only just over 10% of my starting weight. I did that in 8 weeks at Weight Watchers 5 years ago.

Now before you all get on you hobby horses....YES... I did put that weight back on, but seriously I lost 15kg in 15 weeks ..... and and did a total of 25kg in 35weeks. I looked at the books today and as you can imagine it just made me feel SOOOOO much better about myself.

The reason this has come up is that 2 weeks ago I went and had 0.5ml taken out of the band because I couldn't eat a damn thing and drinking was near impossible, and now I can and want to eat anything. Tomorrow I am calling Dr Fill to ask to see him again to have a top up but I am just scared that I will go back to how I was 2 weeks ago, and I was MISERABLE !!!!!

If I could just find this fucking sweet spot (maybe I should ask the Wizard of Oz for it) I would be happy (said loosely as I am a grass is greener kinda girl.....never happy)

AAAARRRGGGHHH !!!!!!!

Till next temper tantrum

Tarn xxx

Feeling Better - Rehydrated

I feel so much better now that I can eat solid food. I was just being plain stupid !!!! The blockage obviously had caused lots of swelling which in turn made it impossible for anything to pass my lips. The vicious cycle continues from there vomit causes swelling causes too much restriction causes more vomiting and more swelling and so on....

Water and other fluids was my greatest pleasure this week. Being able to DRINK... not sip-sip a few drops at a time is such a relief. I have gained 1.5kg but I truly think that the fluid loss was ridiculous. I was going to the loo only twice a day and the urine was so concentrated it wrong. But now thankfully I can drink really well.

Eating wise I have been able to eat a wide variety of things. In the last week I have had rice, salad, pasta, cruskits with tomato and cheese, cereal, (oh and hubby is looking over my shoulder and tells me to add KFC...)and all has gone down well. I am feeling hungry now and then and twice have eaten alot more that I thought I would be able to. so I don't think I am exactly at my sweet spot, but I am not going to do anything about it for at least another 2 weeks to see if the restriction changes in that time.

God I love food....... no wonder I ended up fat. I just couldn't live like I was last week when I couldn't eat anything, it was torture. Being able to actually eat has been great but because I had felt deprived I have actually had to stop myself from going a bit crazy.... But again, I don't think this was meant to be easy.... (such is life)

I will be starting walking every morning from tomorrow so I am hoping that might jolt the body into some weight loss action....

Here's hoping

Chow

Tarn xxx

Miss Denial Has Left The Building

Well..... I rang Dr Tony's (aka Dr Fill) mobile this morning at 8.15 and it was answered by his lovely wife who I apologised to 50 times for disturbing her at home, when I got to talk to Tony he organised to meet me in at Newcastle skin cancer Clinic at Broadmeadow where he works a couple of days a week as a skin cancer specialist (go figure he is also doing lap bands). Anyway we arranged to meet at 9.30am and I had just assumed he was working today, so trotted on in to see him.

The poor fella pops in in jeans and a footy jumper, it appears its his day off but he only lives 5 minutes away and when he heard I needed him was happy to meet up there (god bless his soul) I was so grateful, but embarrassed at the same time, but all was good.

I explained what had been happening (sausage drama and all) and that I was way too restricted and throwing up and having reflux and he was just truly so lovely to me.... compassionate, understanding and didn't once have a go at me. I suggested he take 0.3mls but he talked me into 0.5mls, saying that the recovery time would be lessened by less restriction , and that in a few weeks if I really needed it back he would do it (what more could you ask for !!!!)

I popped up on the bed bared the belly and he actually drew out 5mls into the syringe and held it out for about 10-12minutes while he chatted to me saying it would help as it gave the stomach a rest from the pressure. I Signed the forms, thanked him again from the bottom of my heart and was on my merry way.

On my way into see him that morning I literally forced 70mls of apple juice down and every sip felt like it stayed in the back of my throat. About 2.5 hrs after the fill was taken out I managed to drink a whole 600mls of water over a period of 15-20 min and boy was it great. Straight away I knew I had done the right thing...... Miss Denial had left the building !!!!!!

I actually ate KFC potato and gravy for lunch and FUCK was it A-M-A-Z-I-N-G !!!!!!! I had about half a cup full and felt the carbs pumping around my body immediately. It was just what I needed. I enjoyed it so much, and boy am I looking forward to dinner. Not eating is shit.... it truly does your head in.

I Vow to be less restricted and eat better, even if that means slower weight loss, I will do it the healthy way. No use being skinny if you feel like death and haven't the energy to get your skinny arse off the damn lounge now is it ??????

Keep you posted

Cheers
Tarn xxxxx

I Am Too Restricted

Remember a few blog entries ago I explained about my family history of DENIAL... especially my mother whom is the person I have to thank for prompting me do this through her rather LARGE denial problem?

Well folks the denial monster has rared its eeergly head in the Haines house, and I am here to say it out loud so I am not in denial anymore....

I am TOOOO restricted !!!!!

All last week I struggled and suffered and kept telling myself it was because I had the altercation with the mouthful of sausage....... Well I was fucking lying to myself...... I literally have eaten almost nothing this week. 1 whole week of sipping...and I mean baby tiny piss-ant sips that have barely kept me hydrated. My urine has been almost orange and my mood has been VERY FRAGILE !!!. Crying at the drop of a hat, being outright vicious about others eating, being a complete bitch because I have to cook for the family and I don't get to eat, and you can just imagine how pleasant I am about cleaning up after food..... and although my energy levels are ok...I am sleeping for 10 hrs a day ( I used to average 5-6 pre-banding).

On Wednesday I had 2 poppers of apple juice, 500ml at most of water and 1 small packet of Malteser's...and that's it. Friday was much the same and Saturday when I tried to eat, I just threw it up. I am also throwing up alot of the fluid I drink as well which is a worry. So of course this also means I have lost weight 1.8kg in 4 days,which at any other time I would be ecstatic about but I just can't be because I am angry with myself for letting it stay like this for a week. I am an idiot .........

First thing in the morning I am ringing Dr Fill and asking for an emergency appointment, he is great, he will make appointments to see you anywhere, a few weeks ago (pre 1st camping trip) he saw me between operations at the local hospital and took some fill out. Anyway I will go see him tomorrow and get some taken out, and feel like I can live and be happy again. I have hated my band more in the last week (except for the double figure day) that I have EVER in this 6 month journey, and on one of my crying sessions actually said out loud "I would much rather be FAT and stuffing my face than do this anymore"

Wash your mouth out Tarnya Haines !!!!!!

So the plan at the mo is call Dr Fill get maybe 0.3ml out and make appointment to see dietitian and him again next Monday to reassess..... ok.... sounds good.

Over and out !!

Luv Tarn xx

D-O-U-B-L-E......D-I-G-I-T-S.........!!!!!

WHHHHOOOOOO HOOOOOO

I diiiiid it

I diiiid it

I made double diiiiigits........

I'm so happy.... I have reached my first MAJOR goal at last... this morning when I stood on the scales I was 99.9kg....... Yes folks it may only be 100grams less than 100kg, BUT I DON'T CARE!!

As I explained I have been in a bit of pain and had a few probs on Monday after my disastrous camping trip but I went back to liquids for 48 hours and started on solids again tonight. I can't believe what a difference it makes when you are having problems (especially keeping things down) to have a liquid break and let the swelling go down. I feel almost back to normal compared to Sunday and Monday when I couldn't keep anything down and was having pain.

Well that's all from me. I just wanted to brag.....

BRING ON 95kg.......

Luv Tarn xxx

Are We There YET !!!!

Well in 2 weeks time I will have been banded for 6 months. Pre surgery I really thought that by this stage I would have definitely been in double figures. I am a little disappointed, but in saying that it has been a hell of a lot harder than I ever imagined it to be. When your life has revolved around food like mine did (and no doubt yours as well) and I was always dreaming, thinking and waiting for my next fix, I have to say that the banding has only taken away about half of that.

I still think of food.... I still worry about food... I still make myself guilty about food. But for totally different reasons. I think constantly about what I should have for my next meal and I worry constantly about the choice and will I be able to get it down, and I feel guilty if I make a stupid decision where the food makes me BP or vomit...... Does that make sense... can anyone relate?

I also get really sad (maybe even slightly depressed) about not being able to eat. Not all the time mind you, but as an example. Last weekend we went camping at a charity motor cross rally at Bulladealla (about 2 hrs from home) and on the first night there I had an altercation with a sausage (that I ate 1 whole bite of) and ended up vomiting and obviously caused some swelling. I then struggled all weekend and brought up nearly everything I ate (which wasn't much I can tell you) but not being able to have anything but straight fluids really gets you down. I couldn't manage more that 1-2 small sips at a time. Now yesterday I was almost bed ridden by exhaustion, and sadness (i hate the word depression) I slept, sipped and laid on the lounge all day (instead of unpacking and washing from the camping trip) and I only felt better today after I accidental hit my head on a cupboard and cried (dramatically) for 20 minutes. It took the knock to the head to relieve the tension I think.... Always the drama queen.

I managed to loose 2.2 kg over the last week, and obviously alot of that was because of the weekend... but was it worth it...... doesn't feel like it.

I am now back down to 100.5kg which takes me back to where I was a month ago before my last camping trip where I put on 3.something kgs. Funny that I put it all on in one camping trip (god that was a great weekend) and taken it off on another camping trip (which was a shocker)

I am going to end this by saying that I am not too restricted I was just STUPID !!! And also By saying that I am still SOOOO happy that I had this done, I really am. It just isn't always easy, and I suppose at the end of this journey (my goal weight) it will be the hard times that will more than likely keep me in line and make me want to stay thin and not revisit all this shit again.

It's a journey

Cheers Tarn xxx

Evil Double Figures.....

I am absolutely sure that I sabotage myself. I know the old addage is "your own worst enemy" but I am starting to think it is real and not just a cliche. I got down to 100.2kg....Thats 0.3kg... 300kg .... a large poo.... a walk around the block even away from double figures. I could taste it. I was hungry for it. I was ready to set off fireworks..........

Let me start at the beginning. I was starting to have a little heart burn, and a close bandit friend of mine was having tests for a slipped band which had started with heartburn and progressed to worse so I was starting to worry. I was also going away camping in the bush 3.5hrs away from civilisation and started to panic about having problems whilst so far away. So I rang Dr Fill on the Thursday before I left and asked him to take out 0.5mls as a precaution (I had 7.5mls in a 10ml band).

Well the difference was unbelievable, I went from sipping to nearly sculling in a matter of an hour. I could eat almost anything. (in there lies the problem......Dah) and the hunger came back instantly. I can NOT BELIEVE how much half a ml did.....
Anyhows I went away and had a great weekend, I ate, drank, drank, and was very merry. I had not been able to drink ANY soft drink and maybe only 1 glass of alcohol prior but managed to drink ALOT ....ALL weekend.

3.5kg...... that's how much weight I put on in 5 days. I was shocked to the core.... and totally devastated. Dr Fill put 0.3mls back in a week later and I have managed to loose 2kg in 3 weeks but I am once again TOO far away from my next goal and I have definitely lost momentum. I am still hungry and eating way too much and the exercise department is not good either.

So hence the "My own worst enemy" is definitely appropriate here...

WILL I EVER GET TO DOUBLE FIGURES ?????????

Comparison Photos

May 2007

September 2007

4 Months Banded

Weight loss: 14.8kg

Stats.

Chest: -10cm

Abdom: -8.5cm

Waist: -12.5cm

Tummy: -6cm

Hip: -13cm

Thigh: -8cm

Knee: -8cm

Ankle: -2.5cm

Upper Arm: -7cm

Neck: -4cm

------------------

Total : -79.5cm lost

I can't tell you how happy I am. This has already made a big impact on my life. I feel so much better and my kids are constantly telling me how great I look and how my belly isn't so big anymore. My Husband is thrilled and very proud of me and keeps talking about the future in terms of me being even thinner, and what he can't wait to see me wear when I am skinnier.

I am so glad I did this. 4 months on through all the drama and ups and downs, I definitely wouldn't change a thing. I love my band (Freddy).....

Tarn xxxx

It's Finally Moving

Finally.....

Finally the weight is moving..... I can't believe it has taken this long to start to get the results I was expecting. I know I had lost some weight, and I was happy with ANY that I lost but I had 2 months there that I had no results at all.

I am now down to 101.4kg.... that is a weight loss of 14.4kg and half of that has been in the last 4-5weeks, I am stoked. My work clothes are getting really loose, my bras are seriously useless they are that loose and even my shoes are loose (go figure).

I'm Happy ... Happy ... Happy ...!!!

I am still pissed off with the inconsistency of the band (aka Freddy) and it's effect on my eating patterns. I either have GOOD days or BAD days, nothing in between. I am either eating and enjoying my soup, crackers, mince meals, porridge and what not..... or chucking every fucking thing down the shitter ...... whats with that. One day I feel like I have perfect restriction, the next is like my friggin stomach is zip-tied closed.

I had my first heartburn session (since banding) yesterday, I got up and felt like I could stomach some porridge, so cooked some up. Okay I correct myself here. I cooked a tiny piddly arsed amount of porridge up and sprinkled with brown sugar and proceeded to eat ...s l o w l y. Now a few weeks ago I ran out of brown sugar and couldn't buy any at Coles so started using a squirt of maple syrup instead. Oh My F God it tastes like heaven. Anyways found the sugar a few weeks later (but could only buy brand name not el-cheapo version) but still used the maple syrup till I ran out a few days ago, hence used said brown sugar. The CSR brand must be so much stronger that the no name because I had the worst heartburn ever....EVER (even counting pregnancy heartburn).

So Surprisingly enough I chucked (it's like a daily ritual these days) and the acid in my throat was horrendous. 2x Zantac and a Losec later (thank fuck I work in a chemist) It was still giving me curry. I was right as rain a few hours later, but god it was awful. Whilst it was burning I actually rang Dr Fill and made an appointment to have some fill taken out, 24 hrs later I have changed my mind....AGAIN.... I am going to stick it out and if the heartburn happens again I will have some out... if not, the weight loss stays

God this is hard, at least with Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig you could have the day off. Who said this was the cheaters version....LIARS !!!!!!!

Cheerio

Tarn xxx

Getting There

It feels like ages since I posted....sorry guys.

I have been busy and just haven't felt like talking about my band. I, as you know have had a lot of restriction but still struggled to loose weight, so I decided to peace out and not think about it (other than when I am eating of course). So I stopped visiting Lapband Threads, fellow bandster's blogs, and stopped reading emails from my bandsters support group, and just acted like a "normal" person for a few weeks.

And guess what??????

It seems to have worked, in 3 weeks I have lost 4kg. By not concentrating on the band and defining myself as a bandster I was able to chill out and let it take it's natural course.

Now this is not to say I haven't missed the support, because I definitely have, but I think I was toooo focused on it. I have now been banded for 4 months and lost 13 kg, it doesn't sound nearly as impressive as some of you wonderful banded people out there, but I am more than happy. I decided a few weeks ago that this was a 2 year journey, and I WILL reach my goal weight, it may just take the whole 2 years but that's ok with me........

Photos will follow soon

Tarn xxx

Friday Ferals

I'm not sure if I have told you about the people I work with......

I work in a small community pharmacy, in a very small shopping village. Saying that we are very busy, each day there is the pharmacist and 3 of us girls working, and we are NON STOP. I have worked in larger and posher pharmacies that have not been as busy or as productive as this one, but I definitely like this place better than any others I have worked.

The thing I like about where I work is that 95% of my customers I know by name, I know their mothers, fathers and their children and because of this there is a casual air about the place, formality isn't necessary and we joke and tease our customers and they love it. Mind you we get as much back as we give, but we also get morning tea bought for us by customers, we get homemade goodies (the best rock cakes in NSW), and even the odd birthday present.

The other thing I love is the people I work with. The owner/pharmacist is a great guy.... he is funny, eccentric, down to earth and very community minded. Loves to tease the hell out of us and is a full on greeny at heart. He walks to work every single day rain hail or shine, if you stop and ask if he wants a lift, its..." no way, I'm fine",he carries a green enviro bag and collects rubbish on the side of the road, just to make the place tidy, he recycles EVERYTHING, every piece of paper, every food scrap, every bottle. Almost everything we print at work (except repeat forms and accounts) is on recycled paper (meaning paper that has printing on the other side).... He is just a gem !!!!

There are about 6 of us girls and a few very casuals (both have worked at the pharmacy for more than 25 years, retired, but still can't let go, and get called in now and then to fill in...we love them) The whole team is great, we socialise together very often, and have an absolute ball at work most days. The best day is Friday, it's also our busiest day. Something seems to go a little crazy about 2pm on a Friday and we all turn feral. The connotations are always re sex, innuendos fly around like crazy and we have discussions that I can only imagine belong in male change rooms..... dirty young and old chicks that I work with.

Today's topic was my visit to the salon 2 weeks ago to get my first ever bald eagle, not a Brazilian, there is only one person I will get on my knees and poke my bare arse to and like fuck I am gonna give HIM a wax pot. So I went for the completely smooth hoha (as Reney calls it), I have had the bikini wax and tiny GT stripe done before, but never nicker free open legged hot waxed..... I went to work the next day telling the girls that I think my hubby is gay because he acted scared of it.....lucky for me it grew on him.

Anyways.... K who is 52 beautiful and a deviot asks today how my baldy is going and if Dave was liking it any better ( I know... we are depraved) and I tell her of my disappointment that it didn't stay smooth for longer. She starts laughing and calls it a hedgehog, coming in late to the conversation L (the pre-reg pharmacist) thinks we are taking about headjobs and proceeds to tell us that her friend calls them hedgehogs. This starts me in a fit of hysterical giggles, I have the other 3 girls and the boss looking at me as if I am a freak, so I have to tell them that maybe she had a speech impediment, hold my nose and say " I lub hedgehogs". Of course this gets the desired effect and the 5 of us are in hysterics, to the point of nearly wetting ourselves. Well the afternoon was a colourful one after that, every time we settled down, someone would say hedgehog.... and off we would go again.

This seems to be the norm for us on a Friday.... I have so many Friday stories I could go on forever..... another time maybe.

I just got a text message from C from work, she has a suggestion for our name at the up and coming local trivia night to support the Westpac rescue helicopter... quote... "Scott said lets call our table the hedgehogs at trivia night"..... don't ya just love office confidentiality....PPFFTT.

Bye from the feral......

Luv Tarn

I Am A Slack Blogger

Well..... I can't help it....

I have been really slack at the moment, I think it has something to do with my energy levels. For 2 weeks I have had a cold/flu and have struggled to get over it. Just when I start to feel better it comes back and I am unwell for a couple of days. I am sick of coughing, sick of snot, and definitely sick of being tired.

As I have said before, I work in a pharmacy, and have done numerous vitamin training courses which are run by the vitamin companies. I am definitely not an expert, but I know a little bit... enough to keep my head above water.

Anyways... I am getting worried about my nutritional input as my restriction is pretty severe, and I am starting to get some side effects. I had the initial hair loss, which I put down to the anaesthetic but at the moment I am loosing handful upon handfuls of hair, to the point that I am getting worried that I will have any left. Then my cold/flu, and my energy levels.

I decided that I really needed some heavy duty advise on supplements, so took myself off to the health food shop. I explained my situation to the organic looking old bat behind the counter, who had a look on her face like I smelt of dog shit (which I didn't). She then with her nose turned up announces

"what a bizarre and extreme length to go to JUST to loose weight, do you know what you have done to your body? You have poisoned it for years to become obese, now you are mutilating it, no wonder your hairs falling out"

What the Fuck !!!!!!

I was soooooo angry. This tofu eating, kaftan wearing, grey haired ugly bitch had to be THE rudest person I have yet to encounter since being banded. I was stunned. She then whipped out a piece of paper and starts writing down what I SHOULD and SHOULDN'T be eating. Saying "Do you know we are the only animals on this earth that drinks milk after weaning..... that stops today!!!! No more meat... you get all your daily protein from the raw vege juices you will be drinking from now on........ You will drink nothing but vegetable juices and water"

I'm like..... whhhhoooooaaaaa.... "UUUMMM excuse me MISS. I am leaving. I did not have this done to take shit from someone like you" and turned on my heals and walked out. I can' t believe it. I went in there for advise and help. I would never treat my customers like that. I may not know as much as this woman does about vitamins , minerals and herbs but at least I am not a first class MOLE.

I walked out of that shop and went to another, and this time was smart enough to keep my FAT trap closed and asked for a tonic that would help with lack of nutrients that can cause hair loss and drained energy. The lady kindly handed me a "whole body tonic" and said to take 15mls each day and concentrate on getting more fruit and veg into my diet.....

I went home and opened my forty dollar bottle of energy and measured 15 mls and mixed with 15mls of unsweetened juice as per instructions. I put it near my mouth and dry retched the biggest dry retch in my life !!! It was FUCKING AWFUL.... I swallowed it and the fucker bounced on the bottom of my stomach and upchucked into the sink, in one motion. Ohmygod it was filthy, ferral, foul, crap, disgusting, vile. I tried it the next day, and the same happened, the third day it stayed down for 2 minutes, but I threw up for an extra 15 after the shit came back out. This morning I decided to give it one last chance, I decided to try it unmixed...shot like. NO WAY BABY was that crap going down my throat. It felt like it swung around my tonsils and sling shot out my mouth.... $40 well spent i would say !!!!!!! NOT

So now I am back on the Berocca and Olive leaf extract, and taking some Goji berries. That shit is going to be used to clean my drains I think........ Lord help the poor drains.

Ciao
Tarnya

Damn Scales

I am FREAKING out.... I don't know what I weigh..... Me, the serial weigher, has had my addiction taken from me. The damn Aldi scales still haven't been fixed, I forgot to get the batteries last week. Every time I go out I think " I will find somewhere to weigh myself or get some new batteries" but I keep forgetting.

The reason I am little worried is that I had a bit of a party weekend. It was my boy's birthdays and we had a party with the relo's on Saturday and a kids party on Sunday and I was a piglet...

Let me explain..... I have 2 sons and at the moment they are both 9. There is 10 days short of 12 months between them. HHMMM Yes you are thinking I am a sex maniac, but really the true explanations is that I am stupid...crazy.....glutton for punishment....and yes maybe I should have just said no (but couldn't help it).

My oldest son was only 5 months old when I found out I was pregnant, and boy was it a surprise. I cried for 2 days after I found out, not because I didn't want another baby, I just didn't want one so soon. After the second day of being a big sooky la la I sucked it up and decided 13 months between children wasn't so bad. They would be buddies, Get it over and done with quickly, they would grow up together...it's not so bad....

Then my body betrayed me and I started having pre-eclampsia symptoms at 26 weeks and thanks to being hospitalized was able to stay pregnant until 30 weeks, so my 13 months age difference became 11 months.......... GREAT !!!

Any way Adam (My oldest) turns 10 on Wednesday, so we had a joint B'Day party for them on Sunday out on a friends 5 acre block. We took the motorbikes out and the BBq and heaps of junk food and about 15 kids and their parents and had wonderful day. I couldn't eat the sausages or the bread rolls and ended up just have some pasta salad and coleslaw, but also managed to taste test the CC's, chips, dip, Camembert, smarties, and all the other goodies I have not kept in my house for a long time (never said I had willpower....)

Tomorrow I WILL buy batteries, just for my own piece of mind if anything. It's funny how you just expect the worst. I am totally sure I only ate a fraction of what I would have eaten pre-banding, but I suffer the guilt thing (and I am not even catholic).

cheers Tarn..xxx

p.s I did get lots of compliments on the day... so I was very happy about that.

Here are my boys doing what they love best !!!!!

Love you Addy and Cam xxxxxx

No Rest For The Wicked

Isn't it amazing..... We study Nature and Nurture at school and Uni and they give you fantastic arguments from both sides as to the differences in humans and weather our environment or instinct create the way we behave.

I believe that they should just throw away pavlov's dog theory and all the study done on twins, gays and what not and just study MEN !!!! Now I am absolutely sure that each and every mother in the world did not read a handbook on raising men, so they can't blame the mothers for the behavior (ruling out nurture as an argument).

I work in a pharmacy 4 days a week and whenever a wife comes in to get medicine for a sick husband, you can see the pain written across their face. You just instinctively know that this poor woman has just spent the last 12-24 hours being TORTURED by her (supposedly) sick husband. The one that's at home laying on the lounge rugged and tucked up with 4 blankets, 2 boxes of tissues and a fresh cup of Lemsip every hour. The croaky voiced "Daaaaarrrl can you bring me a coffee".... "Daaarrrrl I need a panadol"..."Daaarrrrl I can't reach the remote"...

You can just hear it can't you.... and you know why???? Because they are all instinctively (argument for nature) like it. It's exactly what your husband or boyfriend sounded like last time they were sick. And you know where I am heading with this don't you.....

Yes... You guest it...... my poor little possum is sick. My shed habituating, sympathy retarded, emotional inept husband has the flu............ and god bless his little cotton socks I think its made his arms fall off, cause all of a sudden he can't find the panadol, doesn't know what tablets to take, and generally needs assistance to do everything. "Daaarrrlll I need a cuddle, but can you bring the medicine over with you when you come" ... whats with that !!!! When I was sick he wouldn't come near me, because he didn't want to bloody catch it. Now he says that I have already had it, so I can at least give him a cuddle.

I used to think my mother was a cranky heartless wingeing old mole when my Dad was sick. She used to put on this fake smile and take him his medicine, tissues, hot soup or whatever he was skwarking for and as she walked away her face would drop and a mouthful of obscenities would flow out about "what a miserable, lazy, selfish, hypochondriac, bastard, prick, nobody gives a shit when IIIIII'm sick , Somebody has to cook the dinner, somebody still has to wash the clothes, etc,etc"

God I know how she feels............. sorry Mum for all the times I thought you were heartless.

It reminds me of way back when I was 23, David(hubby) and I both needed our wisdom teeth out, we both went to the Dentist and maxofacial (sp?) surgeon together and decided to try and cut a deal to have them done together to save money , well that's what I told Dave. The real reason was that I knew that no matter how bad my reaction was to surgery, how much swelling or bruising I had, he would not give me an ounce of sympathy and tell me his was worse when he had his done.

So off we go and check into hospital, he was first on the surgery list and I was fourth. All went well and when I eventually woke up Dave was still out for the count and when he came too (with me sitting by his side like a diligent wife) he was really sick and vomited all over himself, the floor, the bed, the bathroom and had to be drugged up big time. The poor thing (loosely said) slept the whole time he was in hospital and guess who came home and looked after said poor thing... MMMMEEEEE !!!!!

Men............. You gotta love them..... otherwise its 25-30years for murder

over & out !!

From Patient to Nurse

My two cheeky monkeys

Now my poor babies are sick...... I woke up this morning feeling 80% better than death, still got snot, sore throat and sneezing like a mother, but the aches and pains have subsided. I awoke to find my 2 beautiful boys cuddled up to me in bed, which never happens as my bed is my husbands and my domain... no kids allowed. But the poor little things looked soooooo sick I had to feel sorry for them. One had a head ache and the other couldn't talk, but I managed to get out of them that daddy put them in there before he went to work.

So yet again I am not at work, instead looking after my little cherubs (today they are beautiful, cherubby, adorable and sweet..... in a couple of days the ferrals will be back !!!) After lining them up and dosing them up with drugs I packed them up on the lounge with pillows, blankets, tissues and Foxtell and told them to wait out the sickness. Amazingly enough I haven't heard a peep out of them, ones dozing and the other has eyes only for Foxtell. When they can sit for more than 2 min and actually be quiet (except for the hacking and coughing) you know they are ill.

On the food front, I managed over the last couple of days to really concentrate on eating better things. I had chicken, mash potato and mashed pumpkin and veges for dinner last night and nachos and curried veges over the weekend. I really have missed eating proper food, albeit very small amounts, no doubt the cold I have is an indication of the lack of nutrients in my diet, so a bit wake up call I would say.

My damn scaled are giving me the shits....... My mum bought them for me for my birthday (it's What I asked for) they were on special at Aldi for $49 and they do everything other than loose the bloody weight for you. Height, weight, BMI, hydration, Fat count, calorie count... Well tomorrow is my 3 months banderversary and I really wanted to do my weight, measurements and photos and the frigging things have gone on the blink.

I know it's only the batteries but...Jesus... I have had them for 3 months and this is the 3rd set of batteries I have put in the prick.... and of course they aren't the AA or AAA batteries that you pick up at Cole's, they are 2x those little disc ones about the size of a 20cent piece that cost about $4 each. I know you guys are saying ...well you got the shitty thing from Aldi... what do you expect..... I know....I know.. but I had just spent 4 grand on an Op, who has the money for the $200 jobs..... not this little black duck.

When I eventually go back to work (fingers crossed tomorrow) I will get some new batteries and do my 3 month stats. I don't feel like I have lost any more weight, but I am starting to get some compliments and strangely enough from the husbands in our circle of friends... not the wives. Funny that, we women are the biggest critics of each other aren't we? These wives are all skinny bitches that have never had a fat day in their lives. Included in this crowd is my so-called friend that just before I was banded made a comment one night when we went out on a girls night out, that "everybody needs a fat friend to make them look good"......

I was soooo upset. I was the only girl there that wasn't dressed in a size 8-10, so I wonder whom she was referring to ???????

Revenge is sweet though..... I was asked a few weeks ago to comment on an outfit of hers that her husband and daughter weren't too keen on. She was going somewhere special and needed another opinion because she wasn't feeling confident about it. So I told her "It's great, I loved it, You MUST wear it"....... my bad !!!!

Ok that was the drugs talking. I should go now.....

The Dreaded Lurgie

I woke up Sunday morning and my throat was burning my eyes were itchy and my ears were aching. That's wasn't a good sign. As soon as my ears start to ache I know I am in for something. All day long I persevered with it and tried to do the positive thinking thing and will myself better. So Sunday night I decided to try an ear candle...." A what !!!" I hear you ask, well it looks just like a candle and it's supposed to draw all the muck/wax out of your ear. So I was hoping that by using the ear candle all the wax would be gone and I would feel better . Thinking maybe it's not a cold, just my ears.

WRONG........

After I laid there for 15 minutes each ear looking like a freaking birthday cake, with my 2 boys having kittens over the idea of the candle setting my hair on fire. I then proceeded to pull the candle apart and inspect all the goop that came out of my ears and got trapped in the candle (EEEWWWW very bad). .

I went off to bed saying to myself "Alls good, you'll wake up tomorrow all better".

WRONG AGAIN....

I woke up yesterday morning feeling like hell warmed up. I had snot, I had fever, I had swollen glands, eyes were running and my fucking ears were still sore.... NOT HAPPY !!!

My hubby had the day off work, so I let him look after me (what a joke) I laid on the lounge dying and he stayed in his freaking shed the whole day, the few times he poked his head in he said "You right Chook?" and before I could answer "AAAAHHHH I'm dying I need a hug , can you make me a cuppa and get me some drugs". He had gone again.

Why do men hate giving sympathy. If I am crying, hurt, sick, sore neck or god help me pre menstrual... my husband becomes a sympathy retard.... gets this horrified scared look on his face and looks like rigor mortis has set in, trying to get a hug off him is like hugging a power fucking pole. why does this sort of shit scare them so much.?

Now don't get me wrong, He is cuddly, and smoochy and all that but if its empathy I am after then he is OUT OF HERE.....

Anyways.... I went to bed at 8 last night and slept til 8 this morning and still feel like crap. If I could just stop the nose from running, so I don't have to wipe my raw skinless nose with the aloe vera sandpaper (I mean tissues) I would be fine. I went off to work but I only lasted 3 hours and I left after a few casual requests from the girls I work with, seems they didn't feel like watching me dying either....

Sorry for the windge guys......

Au Revoir.............

Am I Doing the Right Thing !!!

Here's the problem......

I am restricted...right...... but I am feeling like I can't eat the right things. I made my husband a beautiful salad the night before last. I am talking cos lettuce, rocket, baby spinach, cherry tomatoes, capsicum, carrot, spring onions, snow peas, cashews, feta, the works, and MAN my mouth was watering.... I LOVE SALAD, summer, winter, rain snow...I love it and could eat it everyday, but every time I have tried in the last 2 weeks I have had a problem with it. Lettuce is just a no-go and carrot..well don't even think about it. I can't eat meat except for really moist BBQ chicken (and then only sometimes) I can't even eat a sausage.

This has been okay for the first week or so since becoming really restricted, but now I am finding the food choices limited and boring. I am craving real food, healthy food, substantial food. I am not hungry in the least, I just want something decent.

Saturday morning I decided to have a piece of toast, just one, and it took me friggin 20 min to eat the sucker, and just as I swallowed the last teeny weeny bite I got that pain. I was in agony and had to throw up, but because the toast was dry the bastard of a thing hurt more coming up than it did going down. After 15 min of moaning and groaning in the bathroom I went off to soccer with my son Cameron and an hour later tried to have a cup of tea but even that hurt going down. Everything I tried for the rest of the day bloody hurt like crazy and came back up. I ended up sleeping for 2 hours in the middle of the day because I was so exhausted.

Am I doing the right thing?...... Should I go back and get some out?...... Should I stick it out and be more sensible?.......

The dietitian doesn't want me on a diet ..... she wants me to eat well and less quantity. But with even half a ml less I am hungry.....

What should I do people.....and be nice please.

ciao !!

Beauty Through Coke Bottle Glasses

Isn't it funny (not) that we looked in the mirror everyday and we chose not to see those things like the bloated chest and abdomen, the big cheeks and the triple chins. Our eyes play terrible tricks on us as a survival tactic I think. I took those before and during photos and until I put them next to each other I didn't realise that the few kg I have lost had made such a difference to my face.

I used to say to anybody that commented on my weight or size "Do you think I am blind, I DO look in the mirror everyday you know, I am aware that I am overweight"... but I have to say now...looking at the before pics that just maybe I was blind, cause god they are bad !!!!!

It's like when you pick up pictures of yourself wearing one of your favourite outfits,... and hey..I.. thought I looked good in it at the time, and others said I looked good..... and then you see the frickin photos and think ...... what the f*$k was I thinking, I look like a fat F&#king whale, and my friends LET me go out in it. But you also looked in the mirror and thought it looked ok, so you are just as bad.

Hence the survival tactic comment. Imagine if we saw in the mirror the image we see in the pics afterwards...... none of us would ever leave the fucking house, we would be fat, unhappy, poorly dressed agoraphobics. We wouldn't be game enough to leave our house. Well the guys would be happy... they wouldn't have to wade thought the fat ugly desperadoes at the clubs cause only the hotties would go out.

I don't know how many time I have asked my hubby "how does this look, do I look alright?" and I instantly see the terror in his eyes, he is shitting bricks thinking "what the fuck am I supposed to say, this could mean no sex for a week".... "sure darl you look great".... yeah great my arse!! when you see the photos later

Although Dave (hubby) god bless his little cotton socks is one to give me his opinion if I happen to wear floral or patterned clothes. Doesn't matter that it's the fashion, or that maybe (maybe not too)that it looks ok. If its got flowers or geometrical shapes on it he has a look on his face like he has just eaten dog shit. But anything else you ask his opinion on he squirms like you've thrown bull ants down his jocks .... hehehe..."I refuse to comment on the grounds that it may lead to me being stung up by my ball sack without sex for the rest of my life"

I just want to thank you lovely gals (Erin, Reney, Beth, Jules,) for your comments on my before and after photos, I love having you visit and leave comments, it makes me feel like I'm not alone in this scary, crazy journey.

cheers !!!!

Another 2kg Loss = 20cm Loss

Measurements

July

Height: same

Weight: -3kg

Chest: -2cm

Abdom: -3cm

Waist: -4cm

Tummy: -3cm

Hips: -2cm

Thigh: -3.5cm

Knee: same

Ankle: -0.5cm

Up Arm: -1cm

Neck: -1cm

__________

Total: -20cm

8kg loss = 43cm loss


I find this really hard to understand. How can I have lost mass (and it is starting to show in my clothes), yet in 2 1/2 months I have lossed 8kg and 5kg were in the first 10 days.


My work skirt is starting to get looser and my work shirt actually looks like it fits me now, and not like I had been been vacuum packed like one of those space saver bags. It made for interesting comments and looks from the old perves at work I can tell you.

These photos are

Left - pre-op Right - 2months post-op (down 8kg)

God I hate photos !!!!!!!!

4th Fill - Are We There Yet !!!

I went to see "Dr Fill" on Tuesday after seeing the dietitian of course, who amazingly enough talked about the bloody D word...can you believe it... I actually got some facts from her and not an update on her snot problem (wonders will never cease).

Anyways Dr Fill agreed with me that I only wanted to try another 0.5mls as I thought I was getting fairly close to restriction/sweet spot. May I just say here that prior to Tuesday my husband has been the only person close to My sweet spot in a long time.......ok I had to say that lol.

I have a few friends in the banded community who have asked me if I felt the tightening immediately after the fill, and until now thought perhaps I was a dud, but I definitely felt the tightness this time, and when I went and had a cup of water afterwards I felt the change instantly. I went home that night and could very well have not eaten dinner... I just wasn't hungry, but had some soup. I did 24 hrs of liquids and mushies and when I started on solids, I have to say I was struggling a little and have at last slowed my eating down. It was the one thing that I was concerned about, how fast I was eating and the quantity and HEY PRESTO I think I found the answer. I have had a few PB's and vomited a little with some of the textures, but all is good. I really and truly hope this is how it stays.....YYEAAAHHH RESTRICTION !!!!!

I went out to dinner on Saturday night with close friends who don't know I have a band, I was really worried as I was still getting used to my restriction and didn't want to have a booboo, I ordered some pasta (no frickin soup of course) and MAN I so struggled. I forced 3 mouthfuls and then had to continue pretending to eat so as to not look out of place. I must have been terribly obvious because I was being watched closely(and truly I am not paranoid.. pffft yeah right!!). Apparently when I went to the toilet (Yes...ok ...to PB... happy !!) one of the girls said to the only friend that knew "Gee it's unlike Tarnya to not finish her meal... whats up there !!!" (cow) Thankfully Renae said we pigged out on bickies and dip before we got there. Some friends are worth their weight in gold (and she's definitely not a fatty)

I am a member of a group in my local area (central coast bandsters) I have gone to a few of the lunches and coffee evenings in the past few months, and they seem really nice. One of the girls I have met is Trish and from the first time I met her I liked her instantly. She is fun, friendly, close to my age, married and has kids and a weight problem of course, so I feel we have a lot in common. Its been great to have a confidant, someone in the know who is there to listen, we seem to have has similar struggles and enjoy bouncing out woes out on each other. We have been getting together regularly and talk and text each other each week, I feel like I have known her FOREVER. She has done soooooo well, she was banded on 1st March 2007 and to date has lost nearly 30kg. I am mentioning this because she is a sweetheart, and doing so well and want to congratulate her.

Trish you are a legend

I just wanted to add that I am very proud of you and you should be too.

The first pic was taken on xmas day and the next one was this week.

Good on you girl 6 months and you look great !!! her blog is

http://fattypatty-fattypatty.blogspot.com/

Note to oneself....... post the bloody pics and measurements of you that you promised 2 weeks ago already !!!

That's All Folks !!

Girls Night Out.... 1st Attempt at Alcohol

It's been 3 weeks since my last fill and in the last couple of days my restriction has disappeared. Don't get me wrong I still have trouble eating things but my quantities have increased again and some textures are back on the menu. I have only lost another kg and feeling annoyed about the whole process still.

My hubby actually said a few days ago "Well that seems like another waste of money, it doesn't seem to be working !!" He has been really supportive and encouraging when I have felt down about the NONprogress, but even he is getting frustrated at the fact that I haven't lost weight.

Now I know you are going to think the reason for this is because of my next story, but it's been my first alcohol intake for 2 1/2 months.

I went on a girls weekend away to the Bay on Saturday with some girls from work. I was a little nervous because I was going to have alcohol for the first time and eat in public.... but I really felt I needed the time away. We stayed at one of the girls' unit and started about 3.30pm on the 3rd floor balcony overlooking the water drinking wine, it was great. We laughed, ate, told jokes and secrets and at one stage had a boob flashing session after the topic of breast feeding and saggy boobs came up. We then progressed to Frozen Margaritas and walked (stumbled)to the RSL for dinner about 6pm.

At dinner I had one quick trip to the loo after I didn't chew enough, but a small BP and I was okay... back to drinking. We then danced ourselves silly till 12.30am and had a fantastic time. I didn't realise how much I have missed the whole social part of things....oh except for trying to be picked up by 60 year old men. Why am I so attractive to the old farts. Do I remind them of Michelangelo's fat ladies or something. I swear even at work they love me. Why can't it be the hot surfie Guy...Just once (BTW I am married but hey you can look ..and dance)

The Next morning we were up and about pretty early and went to a place called Corona's for brekky. My head was saying "GREASE...give me GREASE" so I ordered the big breakfast (ppfftt isn't that precious ... and rather hopeful). I swear except for the band I would have woofed that plate of eggs, bacon, sausage,hash brown, mushrooms, tomatoes and toast down like it was water, I needed it that much. Instead I sat with it in front of me while I drank some of my tea and then started to pick VERY slowly. I ate about a 5th of it, and enjoyed only a few small mouthfuls of each thing. I can't tell you how hard it was to leave that much on my plate. I felt cheated....we are talkin bacon and eggs people..... that's wrong..hehehe.

One of the girls threw up all night and passed on the brekky invo, when we got back to the unit and packed up we finally woke her up and I ended up driving her car home for her (thankfully I had been a passenger on the way up). The poor thing had her head in a bucket the whole hour trip home.... made for great conversation.(at least it wasn't me).

I came home and slept all afternoon yesterday and moaned I'm never gonna do that again.... (ppfftt yeah right) and when I got on the scales this morning expected it to go up 10kg ( kidding) and was 0.3kg lighter I was somewhat relieved. Thankfully I must have danced the calories off.

I am off for my 4th fill tomorrow. I am only going to ask for another 0.5ml just to be safe. That will make 7mls in a 10ml band... this better be it or I might have to go up on charges for murdering my fill Dr...aka Dr Fill.

Wish me luck possums....

To All The Fat Bottomed Girls Out There

OMG this restriction business is strange (sorry to harp on about it) but now its finally here it seems the focus of my day. My soon to be bandit buddy Erin (mmwahh sweety) sent me a beautiful message telling me "chin up" and lots of other encouraging words that made me feel much better. She was worried that I had the bandit blues, but it's not that ... I am just pissed at myself for being daft, feeling guilty and in todays case hurting for making the wrong food choices.

Its like the feeling you have when you've had a video night at home by yourself and you eat pizza, chips and back it up with a block of chocy all because noone is there watching you and you CAN do it. Then after the last mouthful is in and you go.....holey shit what have I just eaten... wish I hadn't done that !!!

Thats what I have been feeling like. But I suppose its a process and I just have to get used to what I can and can't eat.... and you are right Erin , this is why we got banded, to have that little person (band) sitting on your shoulder (tummy) saying "what the fuck are you doing...don't eat that !!!!".... and boy is he there.

Actually that gives me an idea, I should name him.... yes him ...of course its a male who else would monitor my food, force me to loose weight, (eventually) make me sexy and ruin the eating and drinking fun....A MALE.....hahaha i've got it.... how about FREDDY....

Freddy..... The Food Police
Freddy......The Fun-buster
Freddy...... The Fat Blaster
Freddy..... The Flab Killer
and lastly
Freddy.... The (Fuck you look good.... have you been on a diet ) Tool!!!

hehehehehe.... I love it.... I am now singing Queens "Fat bottomed Girls " as a tribite from one Freddy to another..... and GOD I love both of my Freddy's.

and remember

FAT BOTTOMED GIRLS YOU MAKE THIS ROCKIN WORLD GO ROUND !!!!!!!!!