Friday, 2 January 2009

Happy New Year 2009

Hi Everybody,

Just wanted to say Happy New Years. Hope everybody is enjoying the festive season.

Mine has been great, Xmas went off without a hitch, it was laid back and non eventful (just the way I like it) we spent boxing day at Blacksmith’s beach/lagoon and had an absolute ball. I even rode the boogie board down the sand dunes (as my facebook friends have already seen) it’s just a shame the walk up the damn dune was so tough I would have done it a few more times.

Food wise I have had a couple of shitty days where I have had a bit of swelling and not been able to eat anything but basically this was due to eating too fast or the wrong thing. Same old same old.

The good news is I have now lost 32kg….. I am stoked and now motivated to get it moving again. 83kg down from 115.8kg. Size 22-24 to a 14 and I feel fabulous. That means that If my goal weight is 70kg I now have lost 71% of my excess body weight in 19 months.

Last Friday when we went to the beach I tried to put on some boardies from last season, they not only didn’t fit me they fell straight o the ground. I had to wear a pair of my hubby’s that were loose on me but stayed on my hips at least.

This has been a tough journey with as many negative experiences and positive at times, but BY GOD I would NEVER EVER EVER say I regretted having it done. My family are proud of me, my kids tell me most days how skinny and beautiful I am (they are obviously blinded by love lol) and my husband as well as being proud loves the new bod. My mum and dad were moved to tears on Xmas day by my appearance and the customers at work don’t recognize me. I had to show my license to a lady at Target the other day when doing a refund and she literally looked at the license 3 or 4 times and looked back at me, she didn’t say anything but I knew what she was thinking…..”where the hell have her jowls gone”.

Well… My 2008 has been good and bad for many reasons… but hey aren’t most years. Here is to 2009 being everything we hope and dream for, and if for any reason it’s not, lets hope the goods outweigh the bad times.

Thanks to my bandster friends new and old for all your support and friendship in 2008.


Tarnya xxx

Tuesday, 9 September 2008

Monday, 1 September 2008

Eating......Too Little vs Too Much

Adam and Mummy
My husband has always called me "The grass is greener girl". He reckons I am always envious of what I don't have, I have always thought it was just a girl thing.... you know... I have dark hair/wanted blond hair like my sister...... I had enormous breasts/wanted average size ones.... I had straight hair/wanted curly.... I am large/wanted to be petite... and so on.
Lately I have been thinking a bit more into this, before I was banded all I wanted was to not eat so much, I would eat and eat and still want to eat but hated myself at the same time. I thought if only I was banded I wouldn't be hungry and wanted so badly not to eat. Then once I was banded and had a few fills I couldn't eat so much, and all I wanted to do was sit and eat a decent sized meal.
During my banded time I have had quite a few adjustments, initially I went up to 7mls in a 10ml band and was literally not eating anything, my hair was falling out and my body stopped loosing weight ... shut down I think. I then wised up and have been sitting on 5-5.5mls on and off for quiet a while. Back in Feb I had a stomach virus and the vomiting caused swelling and irritation to the point where I had to have a few mls taken out, during this time I ate like a horse and gained 7kg in a very short period of time. I LOVED the eating but at the same time wished I could eat less.
And so this is how I spend my time.... whilst restricted I wish I wasn't and whilst loose enough to eat semi heartily I wish I could eat less...
This week I had another 0.3mls put into the band and by Friday I was quiet restricted, not being used to it (cause ya brain conveniently forgets what it's like) I had a bit of a regurg and spent yesterday not able to eat anything and drinking was almost difficult... and you guessed it I spent the day BITCHING that I couldn't eat. A good nights rest and this morning I had a cup of tea (just to test) and all was good, I then backed that up with a Macca's thick shake while i was out and about 10 rice crackers with Blue Castello when I got home.... NOW I wished I couldn't eat....
God help me I piss myself off, I can only imagine what I have been doing to my poor husband for the last 15 years....
But that's between me and you okay !!!!
Cheers Tarn xxx
P.s. scales have moved, but that was pre Castello !!!

Friday, 29 August 2008

Slow & Steady Hasn't Won This Race

A few months ago I was running my band fairly tight, I wasn't eating a lot, and rarely hungry. I was having chuck ups though and my food regime was very limited. BUT I was loosing weight.

My gorgeous friend Trish at this time was having alot of troubles with her band and experiencing more and more pain every day (and this had been happening for a while with tests revealing nothing). It all came to a head with her having emergency surgery after her Dr realised that the band had slipped. He decided to do a readjustment leaving the band unclipped (to wait for the swelling to subside) rather that a full replacement or removal(as he threatened). 6 or 8 weeks later Trish had another op to clip the band up and after a few dramas here and there she is thankfully back on track.

When this all happened I freaked out, her Dr had accused her of bringing this on herself from vomiting and wanting too much too fast (which was horse shit in her circumstance). This is where I judged myself as being. I was too restricted and wanting desperately to loose weight FAST. So with a bit of a wake up call at the expense of poor Trish, I had 1ml taken out of my band. This allowed me to eat more, which I sorely craved..... and this also stopped the weight loss.

For the last few months I have eaten lots of my favourite foods (except bread) and enjoyed way too many alcoholic beverages... but boy I have enjoyed it.

Now.... I want to get back on track. The days are getting warmed, the jumpers aren't so thick and I want to be a size 14......actually I want to be a size 12, but I will settle for a 14 in the mean time.

Size 14 shorts..... size 14 sleeveless tank top ........ size 14 undies..... and size 14 bra.

This is my short term goal before summer starts.

I went to see Dr Fill (I love you Dr Fill)on Tuesday and had another 0.3mls put into the band, this brings me up to 5.8mls. I wasn't sure it had made too much of a difference until I went out to dinner tonight, 3 mouthfuls in and I was full...... that was it... so it was a doggy bag for Tarnya. So now it starts, hopefully I am restricted enough to cut down on my intake and with the exercise I have promised myself to do (god help me) those scales are going down baby.... way down.

See ya when I am lighter

Cheers Tarn xxx

Thursday, 28 August 2008

The Return of The Absent Blogger

I can't believe it's been 3 months since I last posted.... But I have reappeared...Here is my excuse.

I have 2 boys aged 10 and 11 who are gorgeous, feral, active and I absolutely adore them. I also had a baby boy 15 years ago, I was newly married and very young. I started suffering with pre-eclampsia at 24 weeks pregnant and by 26 weeks had gone into Kidney and Liver failure, so the decision was made to have an emergency Caesar to save my life. Mitchell David Haines was born at 7.10pm on 10th July 1993 weighing 900g and breathed his only struggled breaths for 30 minutes before passing away in my husbands arms whilst I was struggling with my own life in ICU.

Dealing with your own near death experience can be a dramatic thing, afterwards you feel enlightened, uplifted and ready to make the big decisions to change ones life for the better. I had honestly thought I was going to die, I had Drs discussing my percentage chances of survival, with me in the same room, My last thoughts before going under anaesthetic was "how will my husband live through loosing me and the baby". So to come out the other side was truly a bonus.

I then shut out my emotions of loosing my baby, I agreed to nurse him during those early hours in ICU but don't remember anything more than the shape and the colour of the blanket, I was 22 and too scared to look at this poor, tiny, perfectly formed baby, so don't have that visual/emotional memory of him . All I have is a photo, footprint, hand print and a shaving of his blond hair.

Afterwards it was hard to get a grip on my emotions, I was thrilled to be alive and have a second chance with the love of my life, but felt guilty about feeling this way when I had just lost my baby. Looking back I don't think I ever really dealt with my emotions and started a rather large trend of "It's Ok I can cope"

4 years later I felt strong enough to try again, and after a barrage of test on every part of my anatomy was told that the possibility of it happening again with the same partner was VERY rare. I fell pregnant with Adam and was in pregnancy heaven (amongst vomiting every day for 26 weeks) until 30 weeks when the symptoms started again. High blood pressure, protein in my urine , reduced urinary output and general unwell. Adam was born on 15th August, 9 weeks premature weighting 1830g (3lb 10oz) and the sight of him was just amazing. I had never felt so scared as when they said I was going to have him so early. I had envisioned empty arms again. But thankfully blessed with this little angel (ppft I can't believe he was ever so tiny, hopeless and not the monster he can be now at times).

He was in NICU for 4 weeks and those were 4 very hard empty armed weeks for a new mother, pining for her long awaited baby. Emotionally I coped alright with this, as I had a goal of this tiny perfect baby at the end of the long wait. I travelled 40min every day to see him and stayed at the hospital from 7 am till 4pm feed. I would then go home make dinner and my husband and I would go back to the hospital to do last feed at night. But it's what I had to do and I got my baby home in the end.

6 months later after feeling shocking for 2 weeks the Dr gave me the delightful news that I was pregnant again (to my horror). I was told that there is NO WAY pre-eclampsia could happen AGAIN. Well it did. Cameron was born 5th August at 3o weeks weighing 1800g (3lb 9oz) after me being hospitalized and away from my 10 month old baby for 3 weeks. There were no available neonatal beds at JHH and I was sent over 2 hrs away to Liverpool hospital for Cam to be born.

I was away from my baby, family, friends, and for a lot of the time my husband(who I sent home to look after Adam) It was the worst hospital I have ever been to, filled with the rudest, most uncaring staff members I have ever met. I did not have a phone to be contacted on and was not forwarded any messages from anybody who tried to contact me. When I cried about my situation I was told they were too busy and that the payphone was in the foyer. I was told to make my own way to NICU which was 2 flights up and on the other side of the hospital, with 1 day old Caesar scar and a recently dysfunctioning liver and kidney mind you.

The emotions that I had sucked up and tucked away from my previous experiences came to a head and I ended up with post natal depression. 2 babies under the age of 1 and fear of telling people I wasn't coping brought me to meltdown when Cam was 4 months old. I was basically a mess, having anxiety attacks and the whole time being in denial of what was happening. With counselling and a lot of hard work I dragged my way through and have been a fairly good mum.

NOW...... the reason I just unloaded this was to give you some incite to my mental really... I mean I wanted to let you know that I have suffered anxiety and depression in the past and for 8 years have had only minor hiccups but coped fairly well.

Until May...

I started to take on too much at work, became secretary for the footy club and President for the P&C, was struggling a little with my band and all of a sudden I had a meltdown. I had anxiety attacks (which I hadn't had for many many years) and basically disliked everybody (except immediate family). I couldn't cope with talking to anybody on the phone, and if asked a question that needed an answer I was a blob of jelly.

So for the last few months I have been on the mend, trying to take it easy and learn to say NO... It's funny, you don't realise how much people expect of you until you pull back. I basically didn't put myself out there for anybody except David and my boys and some people (the takers in our lives) really resented it.

I feel great now. I took the boys away to the Gold Coast in July for a holiday while my husband went fishing in Darwin. He flew in and met us on his way home and we had a few days together before driving home. I really needed it. To get away from everything and just ENJOY your kids for a change is wonderful. The boys were protective and helpful(under instruction from Dad) and treated me like a queen...God I love em !!!!

SO...I am back... I will try and be more regular with my posts, and will try and catch you up on how my banding experience is going.

Hope I haven't bored you to tears

Cheers Tarn xxxx

Sunday, 11 May 2008


Well folks it's been 1 year since I had little Freddy inserted into my belly, and what an eventful year it has been.

I have

Lost 27 kg
Felt sexier
Got heaps of compliments
Gone down 4 dress sizes
Gone down a shoe size
Been told I look younger
Been hit on twice whilst out
Met a banded friend that I could now not live without
met lots of new and interesting people
struggled with food
Bought my first pair of proper jeans
bought my first belt
had heaps of ups and downs
Been told that my kids are proud of me
Had better sex than for a long time
bought a push up bra (OMG)
bought sexy underwear
never been unhappy with my decision to have to operation.....

So all in all its been eventful, trying, hard, enjoying, emotional and liberating. I am so glad I did it and I can not believe it's been 1 year already. I am absolutely positive I would be still 115kg if not more if I had not had the lap band, possibly starting diabetes medication and who knows...maybe even blood pressure meds. So I am thrilled.

I started writing this blog for my own benefit originally as I needed to vent and I hadn't told any of my friends. I really have found it very therapeutic just writing this stuff as well as all the VERY positive feedback I have gotten from everybody. I want to thank you all for visiting and sharing my journey, for encouraging me and supporting me. I also hoped in a small and unromantic way that perhaps I was helping others out there going through the same thing or thinking about having the op that it wasn't all sunshine and lollipops... but that it was still all good....

My goal now in the next year is to (of course) loose some more weight. I would like to be 79kg that's just under 10kg away, I want to be fitter, which won't be hard cause I am a lazy bitch at the moment. I want to get a quote on a tummy tuck.... cause I am sick to fucking tired of having an apron tummy(don't start the exercise shit with me ... I know already).

I am proud of me.....

Happy Bandiversary to me !!!!!

Tarn xxx

Friday, 2 May 2008

I am Back

Okay I know... I am a slack ass lazy blogger..!!..

All I get is ...where are you Tarn?
Whats happened Tarn ?
Why not updates Tarn?

Never fear...all is good

Since the gastro bug life has been interesting, as I said, I had 5 mls taken out to relieve swelling from throwing up. I had no fill for 3 weeks.... OH MY GOD it was heaven. I could eat almost anything and everything and loved it (no wonder I am fat). in those 3 weeks I put on 6kg...can you believe it ?

I went back to Tony and had 3 mls put back in and then 2 weeks after that 1 ml and then 1ml a week after that, and all was good. That bought me up to Easter. A week later I seem to hit restriction all of a sudden and was really struggling with solids but decided to sit it out (as uncomfortable as I was) The weight was moving and I lost the 6kg that I had put on due to over indulgence.

My girlfriend Trish during all this time was having huge problems, and in severe pain. She thought she either had gall stones or a slipped band, but barium swallow and ultra sound said otherwise. 3 trips to the emergency rooms finally had her surgeon deciding that it WAS a slipped band and she was taken into surgery to have it taken out. Whilst in there he had a change of heart and realigned the band and left it unclipped to allow for the swelling to subside (they think she may have had a slipped band since October the poor thing).

This was a bit of a wake up call for me, I had been sitting on very high restriction and vomiting frequently for a week or so, and when I heard about Trish I rang Dr Tony straight away and had 1ml taken out. The relief was incredible...... you don't realise how uncomfortable it is until it is released a little and it feels like you can breath again.... like wearing tight jeans, while you have them on they are okay, but the minute you take them off's thank fuck for that!!!

I have gained 2 kg and am sitting on 90kg..... I really wanted 85 for my birthday (last week) but it didn't happen...oh well.... it's not the end of the world nor the end of my story... I will get there, but it is going to be really slow for a while. Dr Tony will now only put 0.2mls at a time from now on and wants to do them at least 2-3 weeks apart due to my 2 weeks later restriction habit I have.

SO...... this is the reason I haven't been on here..... I have been unhappy (but not angry) with my progress, and somewhat busy as well. To tell you the truth it's hard to write on here when you don't feel like you are succeeding, it's way easier when things are going great and your frickin head is the size of the Goodyear blimp because you are doing swell.....

so sorry guys, it's just been a hick up in the road to skinny.... but I am back on track.....

1 week to my Bandiversary.....Omg... ! Year

Ciao Bella's

Tarn xxx