Adam and MummyMy husband has always called me "The grass is greener girl". He reckons I am always envious of what I don't have, I have always thought it was just a girl thing.... you know... I have dark hair/wanted blond hair like my sister...... I had enormous breasts/wanted average size ones.... I had straight hair/wanted curly.... I am large/wanted to be petite... and so on.
Lately I have been thinking a bit more into this, before I was banded all I wanted was to not eat so much, I would eat and eat and still want to eat but hated myself at the same time. I thought if only I was banded I wouldn't be hungry and wanted so badly not to eat. Then once I was banded and had a few fills I couldn't eat so much, and all I wanted to do was sit and eat a decent sized meal.
During my banded time I have had quite a few adjustments, initially I went up to 7mls in a 10ml band and was literally not eating anything, my hair was falling out and my body stopped loosing weight ... shut down I think. I then wised up and have been sitting on 5-5.5mls on and off for quiet a while. Back in Feb I had a stomach virus and the vomiting caused swelling and irritation to the point where I had to have a few mls taken out, during this time I ate like a horse and gained 7kg in a very short period of time. I LOVED the eating but at the same time wished I could eat less.
And so this is how I spend my time.... whilst restricted I wish I wasn't and whilst loose enough to eat semi heartily I wish I could eat less...
This week I had another 0.3mls put into the band and by Friday I was quiet restricted, not being used to it (cause ya brain conveniently forgets what it's like) I had a bit of a regurg and spent yesterday not able to eat anything and drinking was almost difficult... and you guessed it I spent the day BITCHING that I couldn't eat. A good nights rest and this morning I had a cup of tea (just to test) and all was good, I then backed that up with a Macca's thick shake while i was out and about 10 rice crackers with Blue Castello when I got home.... NOW I wished I couldn't eat....
God help me I piss myself off, I can only imagine what I have been doing to my poor husband for the last 15 years....
But that's between me and you okay !!!!
Cheers Tarn xxx
P.s. scales have moved, but that was pre Castello !!!
4 comments:
Ahh, but you had a breakthru moment. You recognize that you do it and can now work to change it. Don't worry, we all do the same thing and we all have to watch ourselves. I'm amazed that my man puts up with my crap sometimes.
Glad to see you back. Probably don't remember me but I'm glad to see you back. I have kept a low profile to of late just doing my own thing hoping this bulk that took me 30 years to gain can be gone in 1 year. Resigned to the fact that it will take longer. Other people( through not fault of themselves only my perception were loosing shitloads in no time fast. ) I was scale obsessed- something that was doing my head in. Now I just keep doing my thing, only weigh myself at the doctors every 2-3 months and just go for walks.
Putting less demands on yourself to perform is the key. I'm an anxious depressive too, so go easy on yourself and enjoy the ride.
Jules
Hi, I found your blog by link from NTBL...I just want to be. I am about to be banded next month and I have loved your blog! I have also started a blog and intend to journal my experiences. abbfab.wordpress.com
Again...love your blog and thanks!
Oh wow, I feel so important being a celebrity in your blog...lol. Thanks honey for giving me a mention and being so kind...So glad your back, have missed you terribly. I went to see Dr Fill myself the other day, oh god I love that man, so now at 5mls feeling quite restricted I am finally feeling back on track too. Look forward to seeing you monday. xxTrish
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