The Return of The Absent Blogger

I can't believe it's been 3 months since I last posted.... But I have reappeared...Here is my excuse.

I have 2 boys aged 10 and 11 who are gorgeous, feral, active and I absolutely adore them. I also had a baby boy 15 years ago, I was newly married and very young. I started suffering with pre-eclampsia at 24 weeks pregnant and by 26 weeks had gone into Kidney and Liver failure, so the decision was made to have an emergency Caesar to save my life. Mitchell David Haines was born at 7.10pm on 10th July 1993 weighing 900g and breathed his only struggled breaths for 30 minutes before passing away in my husbands arms whilst I was struggling with my own life in ICU.

Dealing with your own near death experience can be a dramatic thing, afterwards you feel enlightened, uplifted and ready to make the big decisions to change ones life for the better. I had honestly thought I was going to die, I had Drs discussing my percentage chances of survival, with me in the same room, My last thoughts before going under anaesthetic was "how will my husband live through loosing me and the baby". So to come out the other side was truly a bonus.

I then shut out my emotions of loosing my baby, I agreed to nurse him during those early hours in ICU but don't remember anything more than the shape and the colour of the blanket, I was 22 and too scared to look at this poor, tiny, perfectly formed baby, so don't have that visual/emotional memory of him . All I have is a photo, footprint, hand print and a shaving of his blond hair.

Afterwards it was hard to get a grip on my emotions, I was thrilled to be alive and have a second chance with the love of my life, but felt guilty about feeling this way when I had just lost my baby. Looking back I don't think I ever really dealt with my emotions and started a rather large trend of "It's Ok I can cope"

4 years later I felt strong enough to try again, and after a barrage of test on every part of my anatomy was told that the possibility of it happening again with the same partner was VERY rare. I fell pregnant with Adam and was in pregnancy heaven (amongst vomiting every day for 26 weeks) until 30 weeks when the symptoms started again. High blood pressure, protein in my urine , reduced urinary output and general unwell. Adam was born on 15th August, 9 weeks premature weighting 1830g (3lb 10oz) and the sight of him was just amazing. I had never felt so scared as when they said I was going to have him so early. I had envisioned empty arms again. But thankfully blessed with this little angel (ppft I can't believe he was ever so tiny, hopeless and not the monster he can be now at times).

He was in NICU for 4 weeks and those were 4 very hard empty armed weeks for a new mother, pining for her long awaited baby. Emotionally I coped alright with this, as I had a goal of this tiny perfect baby at the end of the long wait. I travelled 40min every day to see him and stayed at the hospital from 7 am till 4pm feed. I would then go home make dinner and my husband and I would go back to the hospital to do last feed at night. But it's what I had to do and I got my baby home in the end.

6 months later after feeling shocking for 2 weeks the Dr gave me the delightful news that I was pregnant again (to my horror). I was told that there is NO WAY pre-eclampsia could happen AGAIN. Well it did. Cameron was born 5th August at 3o weeks weighing 1800g (3lb 9oz) after me being hospitalized and away from my 10 month old baby for 3 weeks. There were no available neonatal beds at JHH and I was sent over 2 hrs away to Liverpool hospital for Cam to be born.

I was away from my baby, family, friends, and for a lot of the time my husband(who I sent home to look after Adam) It was the worst hospital I have ever been to, filled with the rudest, most uncaring staff members I have ever met. I did not have a phone to be contacted on and was not forwarded any messages from anybody who tried to contact me. When I cried about my situation I was told they were too busy and that the payphone was in the foyer. I was told to make my own way to NICU which was 2 flights up and on the other side of the hospital, with 1 day old Caesar scar and a recently dysfunctioning liver and kidney mind you.

The emotions that I had sucked up and tucked away from my previous experiences came to a head and I ended up with post natal depression. 2 babies under the age of 1 and fear of telling people I wasn't coping brought me to meltdown when Cam was 4 months old. I was basically a mess, having anxiety attacks and the whole time being in denial of what was happening. With counselling and a lot of hard work I dragged my way through and have been a fairly good mum.

NOW...... the reason I just unloaded this was to give you some incite to my mental instability...lol...no really... I mean I wanted to let you know that I have suffered anxiety and depression in the past and for 8 years have had only minor hiccups but coped fairly well.

Until May...

I started to take on too much at work, became secretary for the footy club and President for the P&C, was struggling a little with my band and all of a sudden I had a meltdown. I had anxiety attacks (which I hadn't had for many many years) and basically disliked everybody (except immediate family). I couldn't cope with talking to anybody on the phone, and if asked a question that needed an answer I was a blob of jelly.

So for the last few months I have been on the mend, trying to take it easy and learn to say NO... It's funny, you don't realise how much people expect of you until you pull back. I basically didn't put myself out there for anybody except David and my boys and some people (the takers in our lives) really resented it.

I feel great now. I took the boys away to the Gold Coast in July for a holiday while my husband went fishing in Darwin. He flew in and met us on his way home and we had a few days together before driving home. I really needed it. To get away from everything and just ENJOY your kids for a change is wonderful. The boys were protective and helpful(under instruction from Dad) and treated me like a queen...God I love em !!!!

SO...I am back... I will try and be more regular with my posts, and will try and catch you up on how my banding experience is going.

Hope I haven't bored you to tears

Cheers Tarn xxxx